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Episode 13: Beginning Again
A lot has been going on in the past few stories, with Nathan and Sarah's dramatic breakup, and Hannah's sudden loss, but slowly, things are beginning to be resolved. I know this story doesn't have all of the things that a few of you have requested, but I haven't forgotten them, and will definitely try to work them into later ones! For anyone who is new to the series, this story touches on a lot of things that happened in previous episodes, particularly the last two. You might want to read those first so you won't be too confused! --The Author
The weeks after the sudden death of Hannah Jamison's father passed like a blur. Unfortunately, when a person dies, there's a lot of business that needs to be attended to, which only adds the weight of stress to the sorrow that accompanies any death. And then, Hannah's father had hardly been the best to her, which further confused the emotions she felt at his unexpected passing.
Juliana and her father - who, thanks to a fortuitous agreement that he and Mr. Jamison had made years earlier, had been willed the responsibility of caring for Hannah - were doing their best to comfort her and help her through the difficult time. And really, considering all that she was going through, Hannah was faring amazingly well. Always a cheerful, resilient girl, she had done her best to keep her emotions in check as she had gone through the funeral, and then the stress of dealing with the legal work involving her father's will. Yes, amazingly enough, Mr. Jamison had written a will long ago, and he actually had a decent sum of money in a stack of savings bonds, stored in a shoebox in the closet; they had apparently been left to him by his grandmother, and hadn't been touched since then.
Of course, Chris and his family had helped support Hannah too, and this tragic experience actually helped bring them even closer. He seemed to know just how to make her feel better, and did a very good job of it!
But Hannah wouldn't be, well, Hannah, without her signature hiccups; and they surely hadn't taken a break out of sympathy. Actually, the stress seemed to make them a lot worse, to the point that they really started bothering her. Accustomed as she was to her own incessant hiccup cases, you can imagine that it would take a lot to bother her; but hiccupping non-stop for days on end has a way of doing that, even to poor Hannah.
Things were particularly bad one day, a couple weeks after her father's death, as she waited to speak with a judge about the portion of her father's will that entrusted her to Mr. Davis's care. A courthouse is a particularly unfriendly place to be, especially with the hiccups; but the hiccups Hannah most certainly did have. At that point, they hadn't stopped in over four days, they were extremely fast, she was feeling sick even without the hiccups' help, and with the way her chest hurt after each one, there was no way she could keep them silent. This hardly amused the legal secretary, however, and she was constantly looking over in Hannah's direction in an irritated sort of way as she sat waiting to speak with the judge. The two others who were waiting in the same area, both middle-aged men that looked very much like lawyers to Hannah, also gave her disapproving glances. She got the feeling that if there had been something in the legal code about having the hiccups in public, they would have sued her on the spot.
More than half an hour after she was supposed to have seen the judge, Hannah finally approached the secretary again. She had seen someone come out of his office, and so she wondered if possibly she had been forgotten. For all she knew, the secretary could be making her wait out of pure spite! The secretary watched Hannah from the time she rose from her seat until she was standing in front of her desk, which only made her even more nervous.
"Ex-*hic* excuse me, *huck* ma'am," she began.
"I've been trying to for an hour now," the secretary replied caustically. "Couldn't you be a little less, uh, noisy?"
Hannah was a very sweet, patient girl, but there was a point at which even she snapped. "Listen, *huck* do you th-*hic* think I'm *hic* TRYING t-*huck* to bo-*huck*-ther y'all with *hic* my hiccups? *hic*"
The secretary didn't miss a beat. "Well yes, I was beginning to get that impression," she returned.
Hannah was incensed. "My *huck* father just d-*huck*-ied; I've *hic* had these freaking *huck* hiccups for m-*huck* more than four day-*huck*-s, and it *hic* hurts like h-*huck*-ell when I try *hic* to be quiet; *huck* I've been waiting *hic* almost an *hic* hour here, so *huck* I'm go-*hic*-nna be late *huck* to my next a-*hic*-ppointment; *huck* oh, did *hic* I mention I'm *huck* sick?" She finally paused, as if for effect, although her hiccups didn't really contribute much in that regard. "And *huck* the fact that *hic* my body *hic* violently spasms *hic* every two se-*huck*-conds and makes *hic* some noise both-*hic*-ers you, huh?"
The secretary, seemingly devoid of sympathy, but also not quite so irritated any more, laughed. "You know, it would be easier to take you seriously if it weren't for those hiccups," she deadpanned.
Hannah just glared at her. And hiccupped. Her eyes burned like they often do right before one starts to cry, and had she been anywhere else, there's no doubt she would have burst into a flood of tears immediately. But she tried to regain her composure, and brushed away one rebellious tear that sneaked down her face. "Could I *huck* like, see Judge *hic* Renner now or *huck* is he sti-*hic* still busy?" she finally asked.
Just that moment, the judge's office door opened, and he and another man came through the doorway. The two shook hands, and the other man left. Judge Renner then came to the secretary's desk. "I'm very sorry about the wait," he said, looking at Hannah. "Are you the young lady I was supposed to see at two o'clock?"
"Yes sir," Hannah answered.
"Ah well again, I'm very sorry, do come in now," he offered, directing her to the door.
Judge Renner was an older man, probably well into his sixties, and looked very much like a grandpa to Hannah. He had surprisingly friendly eyes, and his voice, complete with a definite drawl, seemed kind. As she sat down in the chair in his office, facing his desk, he looked at her very closely. Of course, so had the secretary and those two lawyers, but his look was different from theirs. Hannah was still visibly upset, and of course still hiccupping, and the judge picked up on that quickly. "Is somethin' wrong, sweetheart?" he asked, his Southern accent carrying a concerned tone.
"Oh, *huck* no I'm-- *hic* well see, I *huck* have the h-*huck*-iccups and they're dr-*hic* driving me cr-*huck*-azy and your se-*huck* secreta-*hic* sec-*hic-ulk*..." At that moment several hiccups hit her one after another, and she burst into tears, burying her face in her hands.
Often when someone is going through a really rough time, but they hide their troubles and try to stay outwardly strong, there comes a moment when they can't bear it any more, and it all comes pouring out. This was definitely the situation that Hannah was in. She sobbed for probably a good five minutes straight, interrupted all the while by hiccups, as the judge sat there, quite incredulous.
Finally he got up, walked around to her, and sat in the other seat, next to hers. "There, there now," he comforted, handing her his handkerchief when she looked up at him with her tear-stained face.
She wiped her eyes with it and looked up at him again. It was at that moment that she realized what a sight she must be, after totally breaking down in tears in a courthouse. She pushed her shoulder-length blonde hair back away from in front of her face, and tried to make herself presentable again. "I'm *huck* sooo sorry, *huck*" she apologized. "I'm just *hic* so frustrated *huck* right now, b-*hic* but I really *hic* didn't mean to *huck* start c-*huck* crying on you *hic* like a little *huck* girl!"
The judge put his hand on her shoulder. "Don't be sorry," he said comfortingly. "It's not your fault; you've been going through a lot, I'm sure." He slowly got up and walked back behind his desk. "And if there's one thing I've learned about girls, it's that every so often, they need a good hard cry," he chuckled. "It's just not usually in my office!"
Hannah smiled a little sheepishly. "I know, *huck* you must re-*hic*-ally be won-*huck* wondering what's *huck* wrong with me!"
"Oh no, not at all," he assured her. "Listen, I have two granddaughters, and there's no one better than me and grandma for them to come pour out all their little troubles to. And you've been through a lot more than, thank God, they ever have, so there's nothin' wrong with letting it all out sometimes."
"Awww... *hic-cup* that's really sweet! *huck*" Hannah smiled, clearly feeling a lot better. "And *hic* thank you *huck* so much, I don't *huck* feel nearly so *hic* bad now."
"Don't worry about it," he replied. "Reckon I can't do much about your hiccups, though," he laughed.
"Psh... I've *huck* had them *hic* four days n-*huck* now; they're *hic* not stopping un-*huck*-til they want *huck* to."
"Goodness, that must be really miserable," he sympathized. "I know how aggravated my girls get if they hiccup for more than a minute or two."
"It's *huck* really not th-*hic*-at bad, I *huck* get them all *hic* the time so *huck* I'm totally *huck* used to ha-*hic*-ving them. *huck* My boy-*huck*-friend thinks they're *hic* adorable," she giggled. "I'm *huck* just so *hic* frustrated, and they *huck* can get a-*huck* annoying, you know? *HIC-ulk*" She rolled her eyes after the last hiccup jerked her back especially hard.
Even being the talkative, unreserved girl that she was, it surprised Hannah how easily she was able to open up to this total stranger who she was just supposed to sign some papers for! Being able to talk to him really comforted her, though, and by the time they finished discussing the business she had originally come for, and she said goodbye, it felt like a much brighter day. Indeed, it seemed like the darkness that her life had been plunged into since her dad's death was finally beginning to fade. She even smiled as she passed the secretary on her way out: and hiccupped, really loud.
* * * * *
Far away in Memphis, Nathan Garver hadn't exactly had a smooth introduction to his new Triple-A baseball job. Weeks after he arrived, his painful breakup with Sarah still haunted him, and to make matters worse, he was playing pretty terribly, as well. With his average hovering around .150, and his characteristically sharp defense failing him at crucial moments in a couple games, his manager had moved him to the bottom of the lineup, and was considering benching him altogether.
Yet as much as his struggles on the field frustrated him, the painfulness of every memory of Sarah was even worse. Almost immediately, that tiny golden necklace that Sarah had unintentionally left with him became a prized possession - his one connection to their once-beautiful relationship.
One afternoon, while he sat dejectedly staring at that golden chain in his hands, he couldn't resist the urge to put it on his own neck. And when it was time to go to the stadium for practice and the night's game, he couldn't bring himself to take it off.
That night, he nearly hit for the cycle - he might have completed it if not for a walk in his last chance at the plate - and he made a sparkling play at second that got his team's pitcher out of a rough inning. Afterward, he vowed that he would never play again without wearing that necklace, feminine as it might have looked!
It might seem that such a constant reminder of a painful memory might hinder his performance, but somehow wearing that chain and gently fingering it before each at-bat seemed to help calm him, and funnel his emotions into better play. His sad, sullen demeanor improved, just as his batting average and playing confidence rose. But the yearning his heart felt for the only girl he had ever truly loved just grew stronger.
Finally he could take it no longer; he had to talk to her. Yet he feared that she could never forgive him, and that she would be even more angry with him if he called her. He had never been particularly religious like Sarah's family, but he believed in God and decided to ask Him for a sign. It seemed a little presumptuous, asking God for a sign when he had caused this whole problem himself, but he did it anyway. The sign: he would call Sarah if, and only if, he hit a home run in that night's game. By the time he came up to bat for the first time, he had amended it - not just a home run, but a walk-off home run! That way, he reasoned, it took some "fate" as well as his own hitting skill.
He began to wonder if this was such a good idea when he arrived at the plate in the bottom of the ninth, with his team down by two, one out - and the bases loaded. It could actually happen! His heart reached his throat when the opposing pitcher got two quick strikes, receded a little after he worked the count full, and then practically stopped when he hit a long fly ball, deep to center field. He was always one to hustle, not admiring home runs, or failing to run out seemingly easy ground balls; yet this time he stood a couple paces down the baseline, transfixed, watching the ball fly through the dark night air. The center fielder backed up to the track, then the wall. The ball carried for what seemed like forever towards that wall and the seats beyond. Then the fielder leaped, throwing his glove over the wall and - incredibly, crashed to the ground with the ball, having stolen a definite home run! The man on third scampered home on the sacrifice fly, and the next batter doubled home the winning runs.
That was too close! What did it mean? It would have been a home run, he reasoned. And finally, home run or no home run, he decided on a compromise strategy: he would call a friend of Sarah's that he knew he could trust to understand her but still be nice to him: Hannah. He didn't know her all that well, but he knew her close connection to Sarah's family, and in the short time he had spent around her, he could tell that she was a understanding, friendly girl. And it didn't hurt that he had her number, from one time that Sarah had called from her house. But still, it was with trepidation that he listened to each ring. On one hand, he wanted desperately to talk to her, yet on the other hand, part of him hoped no one would even answer. Then he heard it - the faint sound of the phone being picked up, and a hurried "Hello?"
He was actually lucky to catch Hannah at all. She had been staying with Juliana and Mr. Davis since her father died, but had gone to her house that night to get a few things. But he didn't know any of what had been going on in her life, and wasn't even totally sure it was Hannah who had answered. Just to be certain, he responded, "Hi, is this Hannah?"
"Yes it is, who is this?" she asked.
He swallowed, and then answered. "This is Nathan, remember me? I went out with..."
Hannah interrupted, "Oh yes, I knew I had heard your voice before! But uh, why are you calling me? I thought you were, um... gone?"
"Yeah, I know, I am, and I'm sorry for bothering you like this, I just really wanted to ask you about something," he stammered.
"Ok..." she said slowly. "So what is it?"
He sensed a little distrust in her voice, but still, there seemed to be something about Hannah that made people feel like they could open up to her. And he did. "Well, you know, I've been here in Memphis for more than a month now, but I haven't been able to get my mind off of Sarah. It seems like all the time, I'm thinking about her, and I miss her more every f---ing day! I - oh my God, I'm so sorry, I totally did not mean to say that word! I'm just really emotional, I guess," he suddenly apologized, horrified that Hannah's innocent sensibilities might not take well to his use of expletives.
"It's ok, go on," Hannah said, apparently unfazed.
"Well, I just can't get my mind off her, so I decided I had to call you and see if you think there's any chance she could, like, forgive me? Or even just talk to me again?" When she didn't answer immediately, he continued. "I know you probably think I'm a horrible person, and probably so does she, but I had to try. I think about her all the time! I've even started wearing her necklace she accidentally left with me to my games, and it somehow helps me do better."
Hannah waited a moment before responding. "I don't think you're a horrible person, Nathan. And I don't think Sarah does either. You made some horrible choices, though, and tried to do a horrible thing to her, and she's hurt, as she should be. But honestly, she does miss you, and I know she thinks about you a lot too. So... *hic* oh crap, hiccups again! *huck* I've had them almost n-*hic* nonstop lately, sorry. *hic* So where was I? *hic* Oh yeah, so like, *hic* I think if you re-*huck*-ally want to try *hic* to talk to her again, y-*hic* you should go ahead and call *huck* her. I mean, ye-*huck*-ah, I could ask *huck* her for you *huck* if she'd forgive you and *hic* all, but really, you should *hic* do that. Just call *hic* her. If she doesn't *huck* want to talk to you, then *hic* that's her choice, and you should-*huck*-n't try to force it *hic* on her anyway."
Usually, adorable hiccups like Hannah's would have completely distracted Nathan's mind from what was being said, but this time he listened to every word, hardly giving her sudden bout of hiccups a second thought. After they talked a little more, he thanked her for her advice, and said he would try calling Sarah sometime in the next few days. He immediately felt a lot better, and just before saying good-bye, he remembered to ask, "By the way, how are you doing? Sorry, I have been talking about myself and didn't ask at all how things are for you."
"Oh, *huck* that's all right, but *huck* yeah, things have been *huck* pretty rough, actually," she admitted. "My father *hic* died in a car wr-*huck*-eck a few weeks *hic* ago, so it's been hard *hic* for me. But *huck* I'm doing better lately, *hic* and Chris and *hic* Juliana have been amazing. *huck*"
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry to hear that!" Nathan gasped. "I'm glad they're taking care of you, though."
"Yeah, *hic* they're so good to *huck* me," she said. "But yeah, *hic* I'd better go before *huck* Juliana starts wondering wh-*huck* what's going on. *huck* By the way, if you ne-*hic*-ed to talk to me again, call *huck* her house, ok? *hic* I'm staying with them now, *hic* I just happened to be get-*huck*-ting something from here *hic* tonight."
"OK, well thank you so much for talking to me; you have no idea how much that means to me," he thanked her earnestly. "I can see that you're as sweet a girl as Sarah and her family said you are."
Hannah laughed. "Well, I try! It's *hulk* hard to live up to such *hic* an awesome rep-*huck*-utation! *huck* But yeah, I know it must *hic* have been really hard *huck* for you to call me. *huck* Just remember, you're *hic* not a bad person for *hic* what you did, and Sarah *hic* knows you weren't trying to h-*hulk* hurt her. *hic* Still, she is hurt, so *huck* consider that when you t-*hulk*-alk to her, ok? "
"I will," he promised. "Have a good night, Hannah."
"Thanks, *hulk* I'll try."
"And good luck with the hiccups," he teased.
She giggled. "I'll need it! *huck* Bye!"
Long after Nathan had gone to sleep, Hannah lay awake, wondering whether she had said the right things to him. Along with that, her hiccups helped make sure she didn't fall asleep very quickly. But even when they stopped, a little past one in the morning, she still couldn't sleep immediately. She wondered how Sarah would feel if Nathan did call her. She knew that Sarah still missed him terribly, but would she be upset if he tried to contact her again? She didn't think she would, but she still worried about it. She also wondered if she should tell Sarah about the conversation. In the midst of all these questions, she eventually drifted off to sleep.
It was two days later when Nathan finally drew together the courage to dial Sarah's number. The fear in his heart this time was far greater than it had been when he called Hannah! But, he told himself, it was time to begin again, one way or another.
Sarah was stunned to see that familiar number appearing on her phone, as it began to ring. Multiple feelings gripped her heart; anger, hurt, shock, and sadness along with hope, relief, even excitement. As much as part of her wanted to never speak to Nathan again, she felt compelled to answer.
Their conversation wasn't extremely long, but it was amazing how much of a difference it made. It felt almost like a burden had slipped, at least slightly, from their shoulders, as Nathan realized that Sarah truly could forgive him, and Sarah saw how much Nathan really did still love her, and understood the incredible guilt and remorse that had plagued him. They agreed that they would at least be friends again, and try to put that one painful episode into their past. It really was time to begin again.